The Rise of Vainilla Sex

Sex Advice


Forget the smelly foot socks and crappy mattress. There’s more to unfulfilling sex than you might think.

Taking into consideration the psychological reports on the matter of sexual satisfaction, boring, dull, vanilla sex is on the rise; it would seem a by-product of modern-life where we’re all too busy- or too tired- to bother to put the effort under the sheets.

The story is always the same… It almost always starts well. You can’t keep your hands off each other.

But we’ve become blinkered by this Hollywood view of romance: that it will last forever. These days, more and more men are reporting that their women are fast losing interest in sex.

“That’s one of the great urban myths- that men have higher sex drives and women almost never want to do it”, says Laura Corn, sex therapist, relationship coach and author of 101 Nights of Grrreat Sex: Secret Sealed Seductions for Fun-Loving Couples.

Men think that women lose interest or simply aren’t being adventurous enough because they’re wired that way, to not want sex just as much as they want it, which is false. The truth is women enjoy and love having sex just as much as men do, they’re just not willing to do it if it’s… unfulfilling.

And you’d be surprised to know how common a problem this actually is. This happens also because the issue is tricky to define. It can be lack of libido, experimentation and regularity, or even a complete sexual incompatibility.

The contradictory thing is that we’ll often have high expectations for most other parts of our lives, while we’ll happily tolerate mediocre romps.

We don’t prioritize sex; we’ve become complacent about it. We just don’t fully appreciate how important sex is to us. We’re incredibly sexual creatures and there are a lot of dangers in not having good sex.

Unfulfilling sex will soon lead to other aspects of the relationship going into freefall: people start to feel rejected; the couple becomes less connected to each other, and less able to solve problems and work together.

The relationship goes into this sort of flat-lining existence, where either party is happy and, quite often, the couple will eventually break up.

Interestingly, when sex sours, couples can also go into this almost unpleasant role-reversal.

You lose your masculine edge, because you start to question your sexual skills and your ability to make her orgasm, and she starts becoming hard and aggressive, because she’s consistently unsatisfied.

Soon you’ve got this weird dynamic where there’s a feminine man and this tough-nut woman. The resentment builds from both parties and bam, the whole relationship is dysfunctional.

With all that said, it’s important to remember that the problem stems from gender diversity.

There are major differences from woman to woman, so no wonder that those between male and female are so evident. We’ve all got different libidos. “I call them sexual personalities”, says Michele Weiner-Davis, sex counselor and author of The Sex-Starved Marriage: A couple’s Guide to Boosting Their Marriage Libido.

Just like in the real world, some of us are smart, some of us are creative, some of us are sporty; we’re all different in the bedroom too.

Some people have a more erotic-type sexual personality: They really need to push the boat out, to experiment with adventurous sex all the time. Others are happy with missionary sex once a fortnight.

Many people- particularly women- don’t talk to their partners when they have this overriding feeling that something’s not right, that not having orgasms isn’t the normal way to go.

They think (or hope) that their partners will simply work out what they like. But men aren’t mind readers.

And sometimes, even though they sense their partners aren’t fully satisfied, they are too afraid to demand answers so that they can do something about it afterwards. It’s a vicious cycle.

Personally, I’d rather go through the awkwardness of having to say “You know, I’d rather you did this to me or I did that”, than go for 20 years and get nothing; each of us has to take responsibility for getting our needs met.

But that’s just me, and you can’t force this kind of openness to communication on your partner. Unfortunately, the majority of people find it incredibly difficult to talk about sex. One: they don’t want to upset their partners; and two: it’s a bit of an embarrassing subject.

You just have to look closely at your sexual relationship, understand why it’s unfulfilling and start working on solving it.

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